Hi Jesus, I learned in Sunday School that you never sin. Is that true? -- Sam

Sam! So look I mean how could I possibly sin when sin is just shit u all do that makes me real mad? And since Im perfect and shit and Jzs and what have you theres no way I could do something that would make me mad. I love me man. Damn I love me. I love me so hard. So yeah theres like no way I could sin cuz that shit would be absurd.

Everything u learn in sundae school is probably true to some degree especially the stuff about hell cuz thats no joke. Its hotter than florida there.

- Jzs

Jzs, As a fellow Jew, you're circumsized, right? Why do you not tell your followers to offer their foreskins to G-d? It doesn't seem fair. -Schlomo "Steve" Ruffman

Okay so listen up "Steve" I mean man I dont wanna get involved in how u mutiliate ur kids. Thats some private shit and I mean I gave u guys the illusion of free will so go ahead and decide if you wanna mangle up ur babies junk on ur own okay? And also look Ive spent the last thousand years trying to get my foreskin back with this shit i saw on the internet that stretches u out a new foreskin and man that is no damn good at all. Id post a pic but I cant figure out how so just imagine it for urself.

- Jzs

How come sometimes the subway goes so slow I want to kill myself and everyone on it? Thanks for your time, God. - Ray

Hi Ray thats a good question. I bet u think I have something to do with that and thats why ur asking me this rly passive agressive question. And is that kind of a threat there at the end that u might kill urself and other people? HAHA. Damn. Its funny that u think that kind of thing works on me. Im Jzs. Im the fucking king of passive agressive death threats. I invented it. Along with birds and physics and masturbation and everything else that is awesome. Anyway um the subway is run by a bunch of no good people that cant find gainful employment anywhere else so i mean of course its going to suck every now and then. U should be amazed it runs at all and just maybe be thankful or quiet or something for once. Damn.

- Jzs

Hi, can you please send a skank to my ex-bf? Make sure she has some std or something. Thanks, appreciate it. - Alice

Yo Alice normally I dont answer requests for skanks and stuff cuz Im real busy but its not for u plus u want to give someone stds plus youre one hot bitch so okay. I sent over the girl with the half black half blond hair whos always at that divey bar on avenue A. Shes pregnant so shes already got the original std but maybe he can give her one of his because hes got like five already. Thats messed up. U better get ur shit checked out. When u do give me call cuz Im free Sunday night. Ur hot, but Jzs doesnt need any stds.

- Jzs

Hey Jzs--Boxers or briefs?--Matthew

O Matthew, wouldnt u like to know. But if i told u, then u wouldn't have nothing to look forward to when u die. But if ur asking what u should wear then I say why chose? Boxer briefs is the way to go. And then if I decide to kill u in a car crash or something then the paramedics will be all like Damn, this guy got fucked up, but those boxer briefs are cute.

- Jzs

Is the world going to end in 2012? And if so, can I do whatever I want till then? Thanks, Alice

Hi Alice gr8 question. First of all yes the world is going to end in 2012 just becuz some ancient indians who were so stupid that they had never even heard of me got sick of counting. Mhm. Yeah. Sounds about right...

NO dummy. Of course the world isnt going to end in 2012. Man. Thats some pretty dumb shit but u know their always talking about the world ending ever since I used to hang out on earth so this shit is nothing new but I mean come on. Damn. U really gonna base ur life on some fucking mayan calandar? If so then Im pretty sure the world is gonna end for u by 2012 cuz ur dumb and will probably fall off a balcony by accident somewhere.

- Jzs

Why? - Everyone

Oh come on now cuz its fun right? u know u love it. lol

damn u people are sad.

- Jzs

Are you okay with people killing others in your name? - Dr. Hazelby

Man. No. If ur going to kill people just own up 2 it and tell them its because u want theyre money or whatever. What the hell do I need u fighting for me for? Im Jzs. U know that. I can wipe everyone out with a mouse if I want. U people and ur damn excuses and stuff. Whats the point of trying to prove Im here or not or if its Alibaba or whoever. Thats why I made hell stupid. For a doctor ur not so smart. O wait its just a Phd not the medicine kind. No wonder.

- Jzs

Do you ever get splinters? Also, what's on your TIVO list? - Devon

Thanks 4 trying to sneak in a 2 parter Devon. Thats like when ur waiting in line at the grocery store and ur behind somebody who has like four things in their basket and ur all like Yay this is gonna go quick but then their stupid husband comes from out of nowhere with a huge cart and gets right in there and u realize the bitch was just saving a place in line and they all think its okay but really its just line cutting. Thats what u just tried to do Devon. Its just line cutting. Damn that makes Jzs mad. Real damn mad.

- Jzs

Jesus, give me the power to defriend you on Facebook? - Carla

Carla what sort of damn question is that? Just putting a question mark at the end of a sentence doesnt make it something ur asking. Anyway let me tell u why u shouldnt defriend me on Facebook. I know u think u want to get me out of ur head and everything because u think u dont has any interest in me anymore but ur just gonna be all "man I wish I could see what Jzs ate for lunch today" all stalkery and whatever if u do. And then ur gonna embarrass urself by trying to be my friend again and it will be real awkward so just do urself a favor and stay my friend. Just block me from ur feed or something, I dont know. Shit I need my friend count high, Im Jzs.

- Jzs

Jesus, why would your father create the concept of sin and then act as though he is helpless to stop its ill effects, then send you to earth only to be killed in a brutal blood sacrament ritual to negate the effects of something he created?

Way to not sign ur name, mystery man. So look people seem to think that I need a good logic behind my shit i do but guess what i dont cuz im fucking god. Damn. How many times do i have to say that? I can literally do whatever the hell I want any time. If I wanted to make one of ur ears turn into a cockroach i could fucking do that just by wanting to. Just cuz all u people had to make up reasons why I do what I do is where u always go wrong. I made up sin cuz i felt like it. I went down to earth cuz i felt like it. I let them pin my ass up on a stick cuz IM INTO THAT.

so just slow your roll mystery man before i feel like giving u a std that u cant explain. Damn that would be so cold blooded.
- Jzs

Jesus, Is my son actually my flesh and blood? He's blonde and I have brown hair; his eyes are green and mine are blue. You could save me a lot in child support. All my best, Justin

Listen justin theres no easy way to say this but im sorry that shit is really yours. U made that kid with your illegal sex and theres nothing u can do now except throw money at it until it goes away. This is why sex is evil and stuff and how i punish u 4 it. U like to be punished, though. but not like this u dont.

next time just wear a condom or get a coat hanger or something damn.

- Jzs

Am I killing hundreds of your potential children every time I masturbate? - Elliot

Yo elliot, I know there was more to ur question but it was too long and I cant fit all that in the header. Blogger isnt cool with that and even though Im Jzs I still gotta be respectful of the Blogger. Anyway about ur question the answer is yes and its more like a couple hundred million children ur killing every time u choke ur chicken or whatever. Dont u know science? Damn. But srsly if u think I want all those children ur making me lol. I mean I got a hard enough time feeding like 6 billion I dont need any more asking me for Pizza Hut or whatever. That shits expensive. I know cause I made it expensive. Cause Im Jzs. U know that.

- Jzs (u know that)

Why haven't you called me? -- The Beloved Disciple

Oh shit hey there John. I uh well its been a little busy around here. So much saving and damning and stuff. I just got a little caught up is all. Its been AGES since weve talked tho. How u been?

Um...so remember when I was all Hey john, I really belove u, lets cuddle. I mean thats all that was. It was just one night in college. Im totes str8 so i mean i hope you didnt get the wrong idea or something. I like bitches. And breasts and stuff. There are so many bitches in heaven its like wow I just got all these options and shit and I dont ever think about ur strong, hairy arms anymore ever.

We cool?

- Jzs

Why are you so mean, God? - Willie

Ok Willie why r u so stupid? Im not mean, Im just telling it like it is. Maybe u think facts are mean but theyre not their just facts. Is a lion mean when it kills a zebra? Nah. Its just doin what it needs to do. Its not the lions fault that i made zebras so delicious. I guess its also not ur fault that I made u so dumb and its nobodys fault for anything that happens ever. Its all mine.

Damn Im mean.

- Jzs

Jesus, why did you take Corey Haim away from us? - Anna

Fuck is he dead too? Damn I do some bad shit sometimes. Well the thing is I dont want u all getting 2 used 2 having all these people around all the time, u know what Im saying? I mean people like that Haim guy just make the people in Asia feel bad about themselves not being him. Because hes all Corey Haim and theyre not, u know what Im saying? Its kind of like yeah u feel great about ur life until Anthony Michael Hall sits down next to u and u suddenly realize ur shit. Will that guys star ever stop rising?

- Jzs

God damn it! - Jeff

Me damn what now?

- Jzs

Is the mole on my butt crack cancerous? - Worrywart

Hahaha I get it. Worrywart. Cuz of the wart on ur butt. And how ur worried about it. Well its a mole but whatever its also kinda like a wart so yeah. Um well yeah its cancer. Im not rly sure why u decided to ask me this question now when ur just gonna go to the doctor and find out later today. Why waste ur one question to god asking me something that anybody with two working eyes could tell u. Damn. Of course that thing is cancer. Maybe u shuldve waited and asked me if I was gonna let u live or not. Haha. Stupid.

- Jzs

Jesus, Why did it rain all weekend on my birthday weekend? Your friend, Loren

Loren first of all happy birthday I guess. By the way were not even real "friends" friends or anything because Im ur god not ur friend but u know what I did for u instead of singing u a stupid song and making u a cake? I mean did u look at those raindrops? There were pieces of gold in every one saying "happy birthday lauren u rock". But no instead of looking u just sat around and act like I did u wrong, damn.

Jk there was no gold in that shit. Im just messing with u. Sorry I made it rain on ur birthday but theres people out there with drought so go eat a Ding Dong or something and dont act like u werent gonna just watch TV all weekend anyway.

Cool.
Jzs

Am I going to get fired, God? - Jake in Accounting

Hi Jake. Well first of all u seem to be doin a lot of not-work right now while u sit and wait for god to answer your damn preyrs. If u want me to look into the future and tell u if ur gonna get fired, I dont even have to get my cristal jesus ball out to tell u this one. Maybe the better question u should think about is if u actually want to get fired. U sure act like it, dont u? Dont u??? U answer me when I ask u a question, boy. Look right up at the ceiling of ur stupid office and talk to me. Thats where I am. In the ceiling. Watching u.

Keep talking to the ceiling and calling it god and u'll get fired in no time.

Damn Im smooth.

- Jzs

Why did you give me food poisoning? - Sad sack

Sack of what? Man, okay so heres the thing - people always think I make bad things happen to them because Im not paying attention or because I hate them or because theres like a reason Im doing it at all. Thats just all kinds of wrong. You got food poisoning because u ate bad food because ur stupid. Thats all. I was watching u eat that mayonaze that was sitting out of the fridge for like four days and when u ate it I was like "Oh, thats gonna hurt!" And it did right? Yeah. But thats ur own dumb fault. Take some responsibility for once and dont eat the mayo, damn.

- Jzs

That just made me hungry, damn.

God, are you a Republican or a Democrat? --Matt

Dude, matt, of course Im a republican. Dont u watch TV? Im a republican just like George W Bush, who i talk to on the phone about sports and girls and killing people. How could I hate gays and abortions as much as i do without being a republican? I couldnt, thats how.

Nah, jk. I dont rly align myself with any particular earth shit except for with american idol.

Peace in the middle east (jk I dont rly care).

- Jzs

God, why can't I get a book published? - R.B.

Hey R.B.! That sounds like the roast beef sandwich place. Damn Im hungry. So u cant get a book published because u never actually finished writing a book, dummy. I hate it when people ask me questions like this. Its like even a non-Gody could answer this. Im so bored. Im gonna go jump off a cliff.

- Jzs

I have an iPhone and I'm considering bedazzling it. What do you think? If there was a cross shape on it, would that be okay? thanks! Zach

So Zach...lemme try to find a nice way to say this. Hold up. Um. Er. Uh. Nope. Theres no nice way to say this. That is fucking stupid and gay and god (me) hates that idea. Also, 4 the record, you people have a sick fasination with how I got murdered. Isnt there some other symbol u couldve picked to remember me? Like maybe how I fuckin healed sick people and walked on water and shit? Or the wine thing. Why cant u worship my awesome magic wine bottle? Why you gotta remember me as the dude in a diaper nailed to a planck of wood? Every time u cross urself my PTSD flares up. And thats when i do things like give people cancer. Its like my version of cutting, since I cant cut myself cuz Im god.

Shit. Sometimes I hate that we dont let therapists up here.

- Jzs

Hey God, will I go to hell for suicide? - Sammy

Hi Sam. Thats a common mistake people make about the rules. U wont go to hell for suicide. iN fact, sometimes u might go to hell for not commiting suicide. Also, sometimes u just go to hell for no reason at all except that I just dont really like u that much. Eternity is a long time to spend with someone u dont rly like. Im not saying for sure that im talking about u. But before u commit suicide u might want to think about things u can do 2 make urself less annoying to me. Like shave off that stupid chin strap that makes u look like a ghetto.

Peace.

-Jzs

God, why does today suck so bad? - Jean

Jean u dumb ho. Its not my fault u cant entertain urself or figure out something to do with ur life. I didnt make ur day boring, its ur own fault. Man. Werent u just complaining about not having enough time the other day? Man u stink so bad I can smell u from here. Heaven. Ur not invited btw.

- Jzs

Which religion that worships you is the right one? - Jenny from the Block

Yo Jenny. You arent Jennifer Lopez, even tho u pretend like you are in ur weird head. I can see whats happening in there, btw. Its weird. But um anywayz, to get to ur question, I dont rly give a fuck to be honest with u. Any religion that worships me is alrite by me. I just need to get worshiped is all. I need it soooo bad. Its kinda sick but not rly cuz im god.

- Jzs

Jesus, are Jews really your The Chosen people? If so, what did you choose them for? Respectfully Yours, Alastair Sinclair

Hey Alister, u know that Im a Jew right? I mean I was but now Im just Jzs. "Just" lol. Anyway yeah the Jews are my The Chosen people. I Chose them to clean up the place, u know what Im saying? And theyre not doing the best job at it, I gotta be honest. My place is filthy. Theres like trash coming out of the walls and shit.

But yeah no I like the Jews. Why do u think I named orange juice after them, u know what Im saying?

Cool.

- Jzs

Why did you make dinosaurs? - Mr. Rockbottom

Rockbottom? Rly? NEways um, well, it seemed like a good idea at the time. Dinosaurs. And I mean come on theyre fucking amazing. Look at those. Those were damned monsters that were just walking around fucking murdering eachother and being all fucking badass for no reason at all. Sum of those fucking monsters just walked around and roard and I would just sit back and be like "yessss. fuck you." So anyway, thats the main thing. I was also probably drunk around that time.

- Jzs

God, why am I sick? - Lucy

Oh Lucy, you should know better by now then to ask me something like that. Here I listened to ur preyers and went all out of my way to make u sick so that u could go to Disneyland and now ur all complaining about how ur sick. Well thats garbage Lucy. Either u go to Disneyland or u dont live in a bubble 20 hours a day, its up to u. So which is it? Thats right. Disneyland. So calm urself down and go sit in ur bubble that I made for u.

G. Willikers.
- Jzs

Is there life elsewhere in the universe, God? - Jayne Dough

Hey Jayne. Nice alias, bee tee dubs. Guess what tho? I still know who u r. Dont try to hide beneath fake names, locked doors and Snuggies. I got ur number, baby. Anyhoo, yeah, theres life elsewhere. In my pants! W00t!

-Jzs

Jesus, please settle a debate between my friend and me. Do you prefer regular keypads or touchscreen ones? Also, why did you create Hitler? -Hungry

Yo Hungry. Im old school right? I mean Ive been around since the first Apple computers, lol. So u think Im gonna say I like the regular keypads and shit. But actually those touchscreens r pretty awesome, the Iphone and whatever? Man I tried one of those and I was like "Hey I created this? IM awesome! This is why Im Jzs!"

Also that Hitler thing. People love asking me that question. I fucked up okay? Sorry. Jz. :|

-Jzs

P.S. O yeah, enjoy youre steak dinner.

How can you be the Father and the Son and the Holy Ghost all at once? - Francine in Alaska

Hey Frank. Can I call u frank? Of coarse I can, Im ur god! Anyway Frankie, lemme ask u this. How can u be a daughter, a sister and a ho all at once? See, things can be more than one thing at once. So next time u try to dismantle my superfuckingawesome religion with ur dumb logic argumints, maybe u shuold take a step back and first ask "What would Jzs do?"

Answer?

Pwn u.

- Jzs

God, will my faith in You get me through this? - Annie

Annie what ru talking about, get u thru what? That cake ur eating right now? Damn ur gonna get chunky eating that whole thing. Damn.

Look ur not gonna lose weight unless u stop eating so much and maybe stand up once every four hours. I mean Im God but Im not a miracle worker. Just kidding IM a miracle worker but Im not gonna let u lose weight without putting alittle work into it. lol

If ur talking about the divorce youll get thru it becuz hes leaving u so u dont really have to do anything but sit there eating that cake and ice cream. Man thats sick.

-Jzs

What's heaven like? - Concerned Citizen

Hey CC, thanks for asking. We're about to have an episode on MTV Cribs soon, but ill give u a sneak peek. Heaven is like if u could imagine a Dairy Queen but instead of ice cream, the machines just give you orgasms. And also you dont need real money. They only take JzsBucks, which u can get up here from ATMs that are conveniently located all around the fucking place. Almost as many as there are Chase ATMs in Manhattan. Thats how many. Which is alot.

-Jzs

Jesus whats the deal with all the same fucking questions? - Jzs

I mean come on people. Ur making me ask myself a question just so its not all the same question. That aint cool.
- Jzs

Do you answer every prayer, God? - Wilma

Look, Wilma, Im sposta tell u that I do, but sometimes the answer is 'no." But to be totally honest with u, that isnt true at all. I ignore lots of prayers because u people pray all the fuckin time and I cant even sleep at night what with all the praying. I had to buy a white noise machine from Bed Bath and Beyond jsut so i can fall asleep. So look, quit praying. Just write me on here and Ill hit you back real quick. U can also text me.

-Jzs

How come when I pray you don't answer? I know you are busy. - Rich R., UofT

Rich dont fool urself. Im God and God can do whatever he wants, even if theres a lot of stuff to do and there is. Also Rich that second part of your question wasnt even a question it was just telling me stuff. I know stuff, you dont have to tell me it, I know it. Man. The reason Im not answering is that the stuff youre preying for is boring Rich. I mean when Janie across the street preys to get layed by Greg thats really funny stuff becuz Greg has herpes. Like thats the kind of stuff that Im interesting in so start preying for better stuff and Ill listen and maybe answer. Cool?

-Jzs

Will I get the promotion I deserve at work? - Rian

Holy shit. My shit, that is. Who the f cares about u and ur dumb promotion? Like I even would spend one medamned second thinking about that! Hah! But since u took the tiem to write to ur god about this, ill let tell u something important. If u spend half the time u spend thinkgin about zombies and writing stupid blogs actually doin your work, you wouldnt have to ask me about ur promotion. Ooh. U like that?

-Jzs

How is it possible for someone as perfect as me to exist? - JR

Jzs Christ. RU 4 real? Anser me that question JR. U cant. Becuz I made u and ur not real.

- Jzs

How is it possible for you to exist? - Jake in Brooklyn

Yah, of course u live in Brooklyn. U say its Williamsburg, but bitch, I know its Bushwick. I'm God. Maybe u can pull that lie off on ur stupid friends cuz even tho they all have Jesus beards, theyre not me. Anyway, obv I exist cuz Im answering ur stupid question on the INternet. If you need more proof than that, then just look at all the flowers in the forsest and all the fish in the ocean and also how Brooklyn hasnt sunk into the east river from the weight of all them unnecessary floppy ear caps you have there. oooh snap.

-Jzs

If somebody kicks you, is it okay to kick them back? - Aaron Sparks, 11, New Jersey

Hey Aaron. Ur mom told me to tell u that every time you talk back, I really do cry. Can u believe that, man? You fuckin make me cry. You make me, Jesus, cry. Look at everything I did for u. Look how you got food on your table and how your dad doesnt beat you on weekends. Why would u want to make me cry? Some people are real jerks, Aaron. I cant kick u, cuz I'm all the way up here. But man.

-Jzs

Is it wrong to touch myself? - Pete

Sup Pete. I know ur not really Pete and ur name is Jon Wilkinson from Butte Point, Colorado becuz Im God, stupid. Why ru lying 2 me? Duh. Anyway yeah its wrong to touch urself. WHen theres a hurricane in Florida, dont u know its ur fault? Its cuz Im crying about u touching ur nasty self Jon.

Js kidding. Damn. What do I care if u touch urself once in awile? Even I think about it wen I see that Megan Fox girl. Damn I did a good job on that one even if shes kind of trashy. Yeah so whatever, go touch urself. I might watch but I dont care.

-Jzs

Is the Bible the literal truth, or is it allegory? - Agnes

Agnes, first of all, gurl, u got a stupid name for such a hot bitch. Second, yeah if its about that Mary thing, yeah I just showed up in her belly and then when I came outta there shes lucky that she still had a hoochie, u know what Im saying? Becuz u dont give birth to Jsz every day and not get hurt, u know what I'm saying? But nah, shes okay becuz Im God and I did her a faver. Peace.

- Jzs

Is there a point to life? - Phylicia Rashad

Well, Claire, I dunno. Thats kinda a dumb question, dont u think? Why does everyone keep asking me dumb questions every day? Is there a point to life? Can I win the lottery? Is my cancer gonna go into remission? U shud spend less time asking me things and more time trying to suck less. I breathed life into ur body. And then I gave you the cosby show. I cant believe u.

-Jzs

Why is there evil in the world, God? - Steve from DesMoines

Thats a realy good question, Steve. Lots of folks wanna know about this, its one of my FAQs. So lemme just answer it finally once and for all. Its cuz of you. Your why there is evil in the world. You did it. NOt me. I let it happen because its funny 4 me kinda. And cuz i'm bored. Im so so so so bored.
- Jzs

If you're God, why is your spelling so atrocious? - Professor Glasscock, IL

First of all professor (which isnt even ur real name, btw, I know becuz Im God), who cares if I spell right or not? Is Christians going to stop believing in me because I cant spell a homonim? No becuz Im God, stupid. I made the world and I can take it back.God is too busy for spelling and grammer and whatever becuz Im busy saving the world. Damn that makes me mad.
- Jesus

P.S. You like that name I gave u? I gave u that name cuz u suck.

Is my aborted fetus with You in Your kingdom, God? - Brittney Spears

Nah. I only let peeps up here that have names. Dont think u can just give it a name now and it'll get in cuz thats not how it works, k? Ur fetus is in hell probs. Theres no limbo, btw. That's just stupid shit that popes made up. Ur fetus can ask them about that when they see eachother in hell.

Kbi.

Why did you take my parents in a car accident, god? - Billy

Well Billy, heres the thing. I know u think its ruff that u have to manage a 400-acer (acher??) farm by urself, but look at me. Im God. I have to manage the whole stupid planet by myself. So what r u next to me? Ur just Billy. And now u can eat ice cream whenever u want. So cheer up, or I'll kill ur horse too.

- Jzs